Current mood: drained
at mass tonight the priest asked all the mothers to step out into the aisle to be recognized. a girl who was sitting behind me, who looked to be my age, timidly stepped out with the middle-aged and older women around her. i wonder how she felt. maybe she had a husband at home with the kid; maybe she had given a child up for adoption; maybe she's raising it herself. she didn't seem to wear the same expression of appreciation or pride the other women did; she didn't seem ashamed or anything-- it looked like she was just waiting to sit back down. in any case she seemed displaced, like the samaritan woman at the well. it reminded me of the discussion tim and i were having last night over a bottle of wine with kelly, about our inconsistencies (and how kelly was always calling us out on them) in religious practice. tim said he finds it strange i should be drawn and commit myself to a religious structure that i obviously struggle very hard to conform myself to. we talked for a long time about religion and human nature as we got progressively drunker (which kelly was quick to point out). anyway, after mass, after all the crappy christian pop songs, i saw the girl leaving, walking up connoroe st. i followed her since i was going the same way. i imagined her walking home to change diapers and cook dinner while all the other non-fornicating young adults at st. mary's make their way to the rec. hall for a film discussion group, afterwards eating potato chips and socializing. tomorrow night they will get together for their faith-sharing group, while the girl goes grocery shopping at the acme, maybe. to tell you the truth i don't know what that girl's deal is, all i know is from what i garnered at church she is a mother. but as i watched her turn left on silverwood, i really fucking admired her, and part of me empathized too, since i've been feeling like a black sheep myself these days too, slipping through the cracks. i'm fucking tired. but its nothing compared to the tired single mothers must feel.
"it's a hard life for a man with no wife." -B"P"B
I See a Darkness
By Bonnie Prince Billy