Tuesday, May 9, 2006

True Fishers of Men

*this is being reposted from the bulletin i sent out.


i don't know about anyone else, but i'm really getting worn down by these ads posted all over myspace for some site called "true." i don't know anything about it other than the fact that it must have something to do with prostitution.

now i'm all for cleavage and all that, in its proper place. but these cyber bitches are getting all up in my space, at 9 in the morning, and at work no less, uninvited, day after day, when all i want to do is play with myspace. they come up in these huge ads--one bent over with her ass stuck out, the other lying on the ground with her chest on half-display. is this the price to pay to play on myspace?

now ladies, this is probably a non-issue for you all. but you know how men work. if you don't believe me, observe a guy standing on the sidewalk. observe an attractive woman walk by said man. as if his head were on a string, said man's eyes will follow said woman's ass almost unconsciously. this will happen on average nine times out of ten. men are wired. men's mastubatory fantasies are also surprisingly specific and sometimes obscure, so that when advertisers like the aforementioned peddle out a rotation of models, in varying poses, with different hair color, etc., it's akin to trying to hook a fish; the more varied their lures, the greater their chances of having one take the bait. if they don't hook a fish with one, they cast out another. and fish don't think about it when their swimming towards the hook, cause, well, fish, like men sometimes when blood has been inadvertently diverted, don't really have any brains. and that's what advertisers bank on.

the thing that worries me is with seeing ads like this, day in and day out (can you remember the last time you went a day WITHOUT being on the internet? and no, the weekends you went camping don't count) is it like talking on a cell-phone everyday not realizing the radiation waves are giving you cancer? are we men becoming sexually calloused?

anyway, the heads of this prostitution ring obviously know how men work. in fact, they are probably men themselves! (devils!) the thing that bothers me, though, is that Tom, our myspace bigbrother, the one who works through the night updating us on recent scams and temporary system maintenance, seems to be in cahoots with these pieces of shit. i can just see it.

Newsweek: "Tom, you started out creating myspace to bring twenty-somethings together on the web. Now it seems you're running some kind of syndicated cyber whore-house. What happened?"

Tom (indignant): "Hey, I'm not doing this gig for free you know! I've got car payments!"

It's as if Tom and Craig grew up on the web together. both became huge...but only Craig stayed true to his ideals, without a single mastubatory pictoral advertisement to be found anywhere on craigslist. boring? a little. retaining its integrity by saying Fuck You to sex-peddling (and other) advertisers? absolutely.

let me just say that i don't live in a closet (i have a one-bedroom apt., 12ft ceilings, hw floors, etc). i know that sex sells, and i know that it comprises 50f the megabytes being transmitted over the internet today. but 99f the time i'm also confident that when i open up my yahoo mailbox, i won't have to deal with any soft-porn advertisements being thrown in my face. i wish myspace could take a similar approach. i just want to be "in touch" with my "friends," not having to play the role of odysseus tied to a ship mast as i update my blog. i'm all for being turned on by women. but it's insulting to men's sexuality, these sneaky methods of consumer exploitation (of course they are exploitative of women too, but i'm coming at this from a different angle).

so men, tighten your belts and try to sail through best you can. the cleavage is only going to get deeper and the asses curvier. be 'on' the site but not 'of' the site. and if these tired cyber-sirens are still distracting you from updating pictures or writing a kick ass blog entry or turning in your TPS reports, just let me know. i have plenty of anti-depressants to help reinforce the buffer between your head and your pants.

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