Thursday, October 11, 2007

Butt Buddies

I was overjoyed when a few months ago when someone (I think it was my dad actually, since he is a fan and loved Hustle & Flow) showed me an interview with Terrence Howard in which he reveals that he is man with the highest standards of personal hygiene and that will not tolerate uncleanness. He spoke to Elle magazine about what he demands of the women he dates:

"If they're using dry paper, they aren't washing all of themselves. It's just unclean. "So if I go inside a woman's house and see the toilet paper there, I'll explain this. And if she doesn't make the adjustment to baby wipes, I'll know she's not completely clean."

It's unclear whether Terrence uses a bidet or not, but judging from his disgust at the very sight of TP, and knowing that he is a man of refinement that recognizes barbarity when he sees it, I would venture to say that he has one in every room of his house. Celebrities have major street cred; they can and do make weird fashions and eccentric habits normative. Attach their name to a Free Tibet or Farm Aid or Save Darfur event and "they will come." Maybe bidets will become the next big thing in Hollywood. If the celebs hop on Terrence and my Clean Ass Express and talk about their enlightenment in the public space they command so well, who knows what could happen? College students raiding campus bathrooms and burning rolls of toilet paper in the streets like they were bras or draft papers; the ascension of Toto, Kohler and other manufacturers from the brink of bankruptcy to commercial success; the obese, the handicapped, the elderly able to enjoy the same level of cleanliness as the more physically enabled; hundreds of thousands of trees spared from a shitty karmic rebirth (no pun intended).

But I need to touch base with Terrence, because I know he's getting a lot of flack for his convictions. Like this hatin' interview with

Terrence, I was wondering if you could comment further on your remarks in Elle regarding baby wipes and your feelings about them.
I stated my position pretty clearly. More people need to use them. This is a very serious subject. What more is there to say?
How many women have you tried to convert?
Howard's Publicist:
Ok, and that's it. No more questions. Time to end.
Assholes (no pun intended), probably hired by Charmin goons. Nothing but hate.

Unlike Terrence, I don't make demands as far as other people needing to adjust their hygiene practices for me. But I can respect him for laying those dema
nds out there from the start and saying, 'Look, it's me or the TP...which do you want more?' Of course he can say that because he's a good looking movie star and I'm sure there is no shortage of women who would be willing to make such a sacrifice (if you want to look at sanitary evolution as a 'sacrifice'). I, on the other hand, might be a little more hard pressed to find someone willing to undergo such a radical conversion as a condition for dating me. I think I'll just keep doing what I'm doing, enjoying the benefits of refined personal hygiene, and talking to anyone who "has ears to hear" about the Good News: "Water washes away all uncleanness. The reign of TP is no more. Repent, and believe in the Bidet!" Either way, the two of us are still living on the fringes. "I just don't get it," Terrence would say to me, taking a swig of of Jim Bean and passing me the bottle as we dangle our legs over the the giant Hollywood 'O,' "I mean, doesn't everyone want a clean ass? I can't go back to paper, man. I can't! Not now, not ever!" "I know Terrence. Just remember: 'the stone that the builders rejected has become the corner stone.'" "You're right Rob. I'm glad you understand." "I do, Terrence. Believe me, I do."

ps: I got my travel bidet in the mail today for my trip. I was going to go with the Toto but decided to save the extra $40 and go with the Sanicare, which also got good reviews in Ass Washers Weekly, which Terrence and I both subscribe to. Just kidding.

Listening to: DMX--The Great Depression; Guilt--Bardstone Ugly Box

1 comment:

Michelle's Spell said...

Hi Rob,

Glad to see your site! I also saw this interview with Mr. Howard. I don't have much of an opinion on his hygiene, but I LOVED Hustle and Flow and think he's just about the coolest person around. He saws things that most actors wouldn't because they'd be gagged by their publicists.