Thursday, June 19, 2008

tell me what to write...

Tonight is the second night I have felt guided by voices; a (singular) voice, actually. I stop myself from writing, "the voice tells me to do this, step here, read this, wash that..." because i'm afraid i will only add to the heaping mound of evidence that proves to anyone reading the words that i am out of my fucking mind. And it is true in a way...I feel as if I have stepped outside it as in the eye of a tornado, not a hair on my head blowing, in complete calm. Everything that is spinning around me, lifted up by the vortex of wind and floating by--houses, cows, fire hydrants. The Apocalypse is coming.

Of course if you are a believing Christian that is a statement of fact, and making it known is simply a profession of that belief, as fact; its not a matter of if but when? Nevertheless, it does not change the fact that it is "crazy talk" if it is coming from the mouth of someone who truly believes it. But the feeling is undeniable, and the suggestion of an alternate reality is difficult to ignore when it is right there in the room with you, like clamping your eyes closed and telling yourself that the rabid dog chasing you is not real.

i have been surrounded by an incredible energy insulating me and extending out even beyond the walls of my apartment. The presence of this energy was so acute that my friend Alex even commented on it the other night we she told me it felt when she arrived as if my energy and the energy emenating from my apartment were one and the same. Abba Moses said: "Go and sit in your cell, and your cell will tell you everything."

I have been given two obscure but very clear messages tonight that area a little hard to stomach at present. The first is that I am being called to go to Medjugoria. The second is that I am being called to spend a month with the Carthusians of the Charterhouse of the Transfiguration near Arlington, Vermont (the monastery itself is located on the slopes of nearby Mt. Equinox). Both suggestions are absolutely ludicrious...I just want you to know that. I still believe them, though.

Nonetheless, the way in which the thoughts seized me being, so...forceful...makes me think twice about disregarding them; I am affirmed in their authenticity. It also fills me with the peace of knowing that if these incredible events actually do transpire, they will happen not because I make them happen, but because they were meant to happen. Such a realization forces me to squeeze into and take sanctuary in the present moment, since such overwhelming future events are beyond my strength to deal with. I am in the negatives when it comes to my sick and personal time at work, and have less than a day of vacation time. Taking a month to go to either place anytime soon is not practical. Not that that is a reason not to take the time anyway (and suffer the financial burden of taking a month of pay without leave, assuming I am even allowed by corporate policy to take any more leave time). The destination is there and within sight, but the tracks have run out and are being built as I wait, one plank at a time.

* * *
(cont.)

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