Tuesday, September 30, 2008

A Prayer

Lord, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I've gotten myself into. I am having flashbacks of all my failures, so scarlet red, try-and-fails, so stifling I want to resign to just "fails." I am so scared. Not the scaredest I've ever been but enough to make me embarrassed at my lack of faith. I love you, and I want to do what's good. I am so lonely, I wish more people would follow behind me but they are in their right minds and staying in their homes. I wish I could do the same but I know I can't. It is like some kind of wretched curse. You are worth it, but I am suffering badly. I am broken in two. My pride has been pummeled and I am left a naked quivering mess. There is so much that can go wrong.

But I could try something very out there and just not worry about it. I will get done what needs to get done and not think about the rest. I can do that. I don't know why it is so hard for me to. The morrow will take care of itself. I have to get everything in the bus first. Then I have to get the bus down the street. That terrifies me. I am afraid the shaky water barrell will fall and spill everywhere and will electrocute me with the batteries. Wouldn't that be a comic relief. I am a grown ass man, I should not be afraid to drive a school bus two blocks. But I am. If the solar panel doesn't work I will not have electricity. All the things I bought. I feel like such a fool. I am having flashbacks of going to hike the Appalachian Trail in high school and coming home after two weeks with my tail between my legs. But that is where I found you, in that wretched humility wilderness provides. I guess this is necessary, then. But I am so scared...

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