I am back in germantown after a few days of recovery from my hand surgery at my parents' house. i heard a saying once: "if you think you are enlightened, spend a week with your parents." so true. funny how you get used to walking around with a broken collarbone when there's nothing you can do about it. the protrusion has become like a pet parrot, always perched on my shoulder. when i start talking to it, though, then i am in trouble.
now i am back awaiting my second surgery and feeling like a single mother or widow, alone in my apt, struggling in my impotence to open a can of beans. there is a quiet desperation at times like this, the mild shame of dependency. true love is wiping your lover's ass when they cant manage to do it themselves. i am glad to be back, if only for a change of scenary, in a place with less baggage, where i can pray and not feel the act to be so foreign as it is in the house i grew up in.
as i reflect more during this 'benching,' i am becoming more resigned to the fact that i will probably never marry, and what this means for my future. if i cant open my own beans, who will? in this way it makes sense to marry. but i remember what the Apostle says, that, spiritually speaking, "it is better to be unmarried, since he who marries is concerned with worldly things, how to please his wife," while an unmarried man is concerned with the Lord's affairs.
Some days I feel such an aversion to the world and temporal things; i wonder how it is that any man lives in it as he does. ignorance is like a soft blanket i want to crawl into, stripping off the rough raw hide the Lord issues his followers. i told my father in the car that this world holds nothing for me, that i would be glad to leave it. Buddha said: "I consider the positions of kings and rulers as that of dust motes. I perceive the teachings of the world to be the illusion of magicians. I see meditation as a pillar of a mountain, Nirvana as a nightmare of daytime."
monks make sand mandalas and blow them away; i have shaved my beard. beards, like comfort and suffering, come and go "as the serpentine dance of a dragon...traces left by the four seasons." besides i was beginning to scare mothers and their small children.