Friday, April 10, 2009

Good Friday (excerpts)

d,

thanks, i just need some reassurance every now and then. it is kind of hard because i feel like i never left my old job since i am at the same place, but don't know anything. you know, i catch myself thinking sometimes, 'why did i even leave in the first place?' i had a comfy position, a nice apartment in a nice neighborhood, etc...and then i realized, 'i am talking like an israelite, post-exodus:

In the desert the whole community grumbled against Moses and Aaron. The Israelites said to them, "If only we had died by the LORD's hand in Egypt! There we sat around pots of meat and ate all the food we wanted, but you have brought us out into this desert to starve this entire assembly to death." (ex 16:3)

i honestly felt that when i left the comforts of my comfortable situation, that God was calling me out of it. i had gotten too comfortable. Jean Pierre de Caussade wrote: "God's plans, disguised as they are, reveal themselves to us through our intuition rather than through our reason. They disclose themselves in various ways: by chance or by what seems to be a compulsive thrust which allows no choice of action, by a sudden impulse, by some supernatural rapture, or very often by something which attracts or repels us." In this way i felt God was calling me 'out of egypt' and into the unknown, which i am definitely not comfortable with. He was asking me to trust Him in the not-knowing.

The Lord also said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. In this way I will test them and see whether they will follow my instructions."

God's instructions for me now are: be patient. wait. don't worry. I will provide for you. and i catch myself grumbling, doubting, regretting. you know, it is a Good Friday meditation. This is the beginning of the Three Days. Jesus' disciples...they scattered like sheep when he was arrested. After he was crucified, they were in doubt about everything Jesus stood for, didn't know what was going to happen to the mission, would Jesus ever come back, etc. Peter was ashamed of what/who he had committed himself to. For three days, EVERYTHING was uncertain. Jesus was dead. We know he would come back, but at the time, the disciples and those who trusted in him didn't know. As far as they knew, they threw their chips down and lost big. But we know that's not how the story ends.

And so it is with me. This is my Three Days (3 weeks? 3 months?) of waiting for a resurrection. It is a painful, tense, uncertain time. Then again, it is natural that it should be. There is no future. There is no past. There is only now...

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