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I've been spending my lunch break in Borders reading random self-help books. I read one called 'Faith and Will' by Julia Cameron. It was a somewhat fluffy book about the fact that God is in charge of our lives, that we need to trust God, etc. In one part she is talking about when her father died, she prayed, "I miss my dad. I miss my dad. I miss my dad." I started to cry in the middle of the bookstore. I don't want my dad to die. I would miss him too much. I reached out my right hand, as I have done in the past, and placed it in the Lord's, who sat next to me. Taking refuge in Love.
* * *
The demons of worry and laziness continue to plague me. I want to lie in bed a lot, and have to fight the temptation to sleep in. The uncertainty of how I'm going to make money haunts me. I have the unsettling feeling of being a little boy in a big, bad grownup world. I am excited about getting married, but worried about how to pay for the wedding, if I would make a good husband, father, etc. I smoke cigarettes and wish the world would go away, and let me sleep, sometimes.