Thursday, July 30, 2009

More Thought Clips

As my last day of work approaches, I am filled with a sense of relief mingled with apprehension. Many people have their careers in order, but not their relationships. I have the opposite problem right now; I have the best, most supportive girlfriend, but have no idea what I'm doing to make bank. I want out of the field I am in but don't know what to go into. Even if I knew, it is not an easy job market to find work in. In all honesty, I am scared.

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I've been spending my lunch break in Borders reading random self-help books. I read one called 'Faith and Will' by Julia Cameron. It was a somewhat fluffy book about the fact that God is in charge of our lives, that we need to trust God, etc. In one part she is talking about when her father died, she prayed, "I miss my dad. I miss my dad. I miss my dad." I started to cry in the middle of the bookstore. I don't want my dad to die. I would miss him too much. I reached out my right hand, as I have done in the past, and placed it in the Lord's, who sat next to me. Taking refuge in Love.

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The demons of worry and laziness continue to plague me. I want to lie in bed a lot, and have to fight the temptation to sleep in. The uncertainty of how I'm going to make money haunts me. I have the unsettling feeling of being a little boy in a big, bad grownup world. I am excited about getting married, but worried about how to pay for the wedding, if I would make a good husband, father, etc. I smoke cigarettes and wish the world would go away, and let me sleep, sometimes.

2 comments:

Regina Terrae said...

Aw, hon, you are sooo where I was until about a month or two ago! Then 1) I got re-diagnosed ADD, and this time started to actually figure out how it affects me, and 2) I figured out what I want to be when I grow up (a chef)(I'm 42 and finally growing up!), a way to do it without having to go back and get another degree and then start at minimum wage (be a personal chef), and started pursuing it.

If you don't have a recent edition of What Color is Your Parachute, run don't walk to your nearest bookstore, library, or Amazon.com and get one.

Hiwi said...

Hey Rob--this is me Hilary from the Break the Cycle bike ride--I work at USCCB now with immigrants and refugees--social work but not direct service, since we are the national office--we are hiring a couple of different positions--I don't know if you and your fiance would consider relocating? it's good work, a good place to work, DC is cool? email or call and I can tell you about them--hiwi_tx@yahoo.com or 202-541-3039