Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Letter to A.J.

Dear A,

Your writing is getting better and better. Looks like you have been doing a lot of it too. Glad to read it.

Thanks for your well wishes. I am now out of the hospital and feeling much better, but finding myself in the thick of more uncertainty. I resigned yet again from another job that was making me mentally ill. I am being forced to reinvent myself professionally and am having a really tough time coming up with something to put in the place of the case-management I've been doing for the past five years. It's such a Catch-22, having experience in what you have experience in and being hired for jobs that you don't want, and not having the experiernce to do what you do want, and how to get it? In any case, I've made peace with the decision and really hope God has something in the works. I do have an interview on Friday with a "eco/green" cleaning company. I am contemplating giving up my apartment and moving back to Doylestown for the next nine months before the wedding to try to save some money. I really have little reason for being in Philadelphia now, aside from being close to my friends. I'm tired of the city. Soo many changes.

Thanks for your last couple emails, it's been great for me to read them. Sounds like your romantic adventures continue. I hope to continue hearing about them.

One thing you said in your last email...about being special. That need to be special. This still haunts me. More and more I feel less and less special. I am not becoming a monk. I am not living in a bus. I am not consecrating myself to God in any profound way. I am getting married and looking for work. Thankfully I have met a very special person to start a new life with, which I guess is "special" in its own way. Debbie has been a huge support in all I have been going through. But in contrast to the rest of society, nothing I'm doing is all that extra-ordinary. It is humiliating, actually, to realize how much I want to be at the center of things, the main attraction. What is the antidote to this?

I have not been feeling very close to God lately. Somehow I feel like my lack of trust and faith in His providence and my constant focusing on my own uneasiness is not pleasing to Him. That fire I used to have has died down very low. Much of this is realizing how easy it is to talk the talk but walking the walk in Christian life is what makes real saints. I see how personal holiness is more than just a matter of faith and grace...it is hard work. This is very offputting to me. Intellecutally I assent to it, but when I am honest with myself, I don't want to work hard. I don't want to do what I don't want to do. It would be nice it it was clear what God's will was for me, and then even if that was hard, at least I would know I was on the right path, and would have no one to blame but myself for straying from that. But its not clear. Probably never is. I don't love enough, and fall so easily into despair and hopelessness. These conditions are not of God, and yet I sit in them like a baby in a puddle. I don't even know how to pray. Haven't been writing much for writing's sake lately, you know? It's like real life is too real or something, and everything that comes out of my mouth seems just self-indulgent or phony. No good stories to tell, no traveling to relate. Just me and my uncertainty.

Hope to hear from you soon!



Regina Terrae said...

Dear Rob,

Feeling distant or cool in your relationship with God is good practice for marriage. Passion waxes and wanes, and when it wanes, fidelity is an act of will.

I find that chasing the feeling chases it away. My best suggestion is to lay your heart out to God (or Debbie, when the time comes in that relationship), admit to the apathy or distractedness, and reaffirm your CHOICE to love faithfully, even when it doesn't come easily, and your DESIRE to love more wholeheartedly. If you always reaffirm your decision to love faithfully, your Beloved will reach out to you, and the feelings will come back again. Just be patient.


Michelle's Spell said...

Hi Rob,

Sorry to hear about the hospital! Hope all is getting better. I know what you mean about the special thing. Trying to get away from that need and yet ... I think it's just part of the whole mess that is me. Here's to having a great week!