Saturday, October 31, 2009

"We cannot get lost when there is no road to be found." --Jean-Pierre de Caussade

I started my part time job today at the community college processing transcripts. Working at Starbucks has not been too bad either...I get to ride my bike to work, and it only takes me 10 minutes. The stress is not too bad. I get a free pound of coffee each week. I spent a lot of time early on worrying that I didn't have my career figured out. But after all is said and done, as one of Debbie's friends told me, God may be calling me to take an employment sabbatical, to take some time to figure out what it is I want to be doing, or what is available to me. To be honest, I am just grateful to be working and making a little bit of money. My expenses are low, and the stress is limited. I have time to spend with my family, and time to prepare for the wedding. I know many people who are in much worse circumstances.

As for faith, I have not been writing much about it lately. That is because I am not sure where my own stands. It feels like I am in a fallow period. Not arid or desolate, not ardent and on fire, just...a time of rest. I am waiting for instructions from the Lord where He wants me to go, what he wants me to do. So far nothing. But I'll continue to wait patiently, and try not to get to anxious about where it is I'm being lead. I'll continue to try to avoid sin, and be mindful of my circumstances so that I can do what's right when it needs to be done.

However, I have not been spending much time in prayer. It is strange when you are living in the house you grew up in...growing up with no faith, my default is to revert to a life in which prayer is relegated to a distant corner. I need to be more diligent about setting aside time to spend with the Lord in prayer in my room. Then again, whenever I do set that time aside, it's like, "Now what? What should we talk about?" I try to listen, but what am I listening for? I need to learn to listen, and that means putting aside the time to just 'be.' Sometimes I imagine myself complaining to a wise spiritual person like Mother Teresa about my state of being with the Lord, and her asking, "how much time are you spending in prayer?" or "are you praying?" An embarrassing question. I guess prayer in this way is like lifting weights (which I've started doing, in addition to running) can't do it once or twice and expect to bulk up. It needs to be consistent. Doesn't the Lord deserve more of my time? Of course He does.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

It's Time to Get Up

"Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever."

A shelf hangs in the corner. On it rests a small empty pot with no discernible purpose. There are pots all over this house, and shelves on which they sit.

"The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises."

My parents have redecorated the dining room. Fresh wallpaper, new wainscoating, curtains. A rug. The china cabinet remains. The thought of their death haunts me; what to do with all this furniture!

"The wind blows to the south and turns to the north;
round and round it goes, ever returning on its course."

Soy latte, nonfat mocha...I take the trash out back, bags full of cups like the shells of dead cicadas. When will the garbage men come? The cans are getting full.

"All streams flow into the sea, yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again."

Time to pee. The bowl bleeds yellow, swallows and gurgles. I'll have another drink, waiting for the laundry.

"All things are wearisome, more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing."

How many orgasms is enough? 7,000? 9,000? All this orgasming through life, and never once a taste of heaven!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

I know. I haven't been writing much.