Saturday, October 31, 2009

"We cannot get lost when there is no road to be found." --Jean-Pierre de Caussade

I started my part time job today at the community college processing transcripts. Working at Starbucks has not been too bad either...I get to ride my bike to work, and it only takes me 10 minutes. The stress is not too bad. I get a free pound of coffee each week. I spent a lot of time early on worrying that I didn't have my career figured out. But after all is said and done, as one of Debbie's friends told me, God may be calling me to take an employment sabbatical, to take some time to figure out what it is I want to be doing, or what is available to me. To be honest, I am just grateful to be working and making a little bit of money. My expenses are low, and the stress is limited. I have time to spend with my family, and time to prepare for the wedding. I know many people who are in much worse circumstances.

As for faith, I have not been writing much about it lately. That is because I am not sure where my own stands. It feels like I am in a fallow period. Not arid or desolate, not ardent and on fire, just...a time of rest. I am waiting for instructions from the Lord where He wants me to go, what he wants me to do. So far nothing. But I'll continue to wait patiently, and try not to get to anxious about where it is I'm being lead. I'll continue to try to avoid sin, and be mindful of my circumstances so that I can do what's right when it needs to be done.

However, I have not been spending much time in prayer. It is strange when you are living in the house you grew up in...growing up with no faith, my default is to revert to a life in which prayer is relegated to a distant corner. I need to be more diligent about setting aside time to spend with the Lord in prayer in my room. Then again, whenever I do set that time aside, it's like, "Now what? What should we talk about?" I try to listen, but what am I listening for? I need to learn to listen, and that means putting aside the time to just 'be.' Sometimes I imagine myself complaining to a wise spiritual person like Mother Teresa about my state of being with the Lord, and her asking, "how much time are you spending in prayer?" or "are you praying?" An embarrassing question. I guess prayer in this way is like lifting weights (which I've started doing, in addition to running) can't do it once or twice and expect to bulk up. It needs to be consistent. Doesn't the Lord deserve more of my time? Of course He does.


Michael said...

Once in Nevis I got so mad at God because I forgot how to pray that I started swearing and blaspheming him to his face and then I felt so bad but at least I had plenty to pray about then.

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